Let this be a lesson to every girl who ever loved more strongly than her object of affection. And let my woe be the wisdom which will be ignored by the thousands of girls who think their circumstances are ever so different. The words will go unheeded, of course. But that’s fine. It is another chapter in the loveless life of me.
We didn’t end up going to Cornwall because although the weather was sunny and fine, and the temperature in the 20s, Frenchie said he wasn’t feeling the surfing side of things. Fair enough, I was disappointed. But we made arrangements to visit Oxford for the day instead.
We had a lovely day. And all throughout I was trying to work out the best way to just ask him outright and say something to see what was what. The possibility of both outcomes were whirring about in my head, and also scenarios as to how I might deal with either. The deliciousness of it being reciprocated, and the finality of our friendship as it stands if not.
In the end, I waited until right at the very end of the day at about 10:30pm, when he was walking me to the tube station. The conversation went a little something like this – although you should read this and the ensuing conversation with lots of pauses and ums and ahs:
Me: So can I say something to you before we part? It’s serious though and you can’t say anything until I’ve finished ok?
Him: OK. It sounds serious. You’re scaring me. Should I be worried?
Me: No, no, it’s more a question, really and a dumb one too. But it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while and wanted to say.
Me: Actually forget it, I’ll save it for next time.
We walk a few more metres and just chat about nonsense, until he’s about to kiss me goodbye, and I suddenly realise that I don’t have plans to see him alone for ages and if I don’t say something now, I’m just going to be pining for weeks and months in limbo. And if I am wrong about him, then that’s just such a long time to waste.
Me: Actually I’m just going to come out and say it, and then run away alright?
Him: Hang on, hang. You can’t just do that. If we need to talk about it, we need to talk about it. You can’t just run away.
Me: OK, fine I won’t run. (Big breatH) It’s just that lately we’ve been spending a lot of time together and I’ve been starting to like you (ha! starting!). I know you haven’t really given any indication you feel the same way, but really I wanted to say it, just in case there was anything. I know it’s stupid, and I’m probably just confused about my feelings because of the friendship. But..there.
Him: (I barely remember, but he was very sweet and quite matter of fact about the fact that he really values our friendship, but he doesn’t feel the same way.)
Me: OK, good keep going. I need to hear this because I knew it in my head but it’s good to hear it definitively from you. I mean, we’re so different and completely incompatible.
Him: Yeah exactly, it wouldn’t work. But we can be the type of friends who go out on a trip to Oxford and hang out and have a great time, or go to Cornwall and still just be friends right?
Me: Yep, great, absolutely. I’m just going to go home and cry now, but absolutely.
Him: Aw no, come on.
Me: I’m just joking. I’m fine, like I said I needed to hear it definitively. Night!
And so my tale of woe is recounted. From the beginning of it’s sorry start to the bitter sweet ending. And the lesson is that if a guy is interested he will make a move, regardless of whatever crap gets in the way. And a girl should never pursue a guy or give him more attention than he gives her.
But in the end, I am glad I have some sort of closure, because when you have one person in your head, when it’s an unrequited crush I mean, it’s hard to think objectively about anyone else who might be more appropriate. And so you end up wasting time and emotions and efforts. So while I would never advocate pining after someone who is not fighting for you, equally I think it’s better to get it out in the open and be clear where you are if you do.
Thus far I have asked three men in my entire life for their love and had none to ask me to love them back. Three for three. That is quite some achievement.
And although it makes for interesting reading, it makes for painful living and recounting. And so I think now is a good time to end this blog of my desperate attempt to get legitimately laid, and go and buy a pair of kittens.